Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
