my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
