dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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