Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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