hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
