Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
