My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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