fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
