we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
