So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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