she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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