Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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