dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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