Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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