I wish life had little blips of pornography
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
