then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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