after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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