Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
im on a boat
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