she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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