my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
