I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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