Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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