I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
