this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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