apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
