I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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