I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and you fell through a lawn chair
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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