Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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