I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
