dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This baby is an asshole
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
