I accidentally had phone sex last night
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
