I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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