Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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