you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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