I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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