i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
