i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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