I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
