It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
