When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
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