My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
