Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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