I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
