the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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