Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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