Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
