I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
