Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
