I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
