Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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