He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
